Tuesday, August 29, 2023

but of course

Bismillah So, it has been done. A visit to the mental health practitioner. Starting therapy and new medications. Perhaps a flaw in the plan was building up the courage to inform important people at an early enough stage so I could take my time adjusting. Cause being distracted at work and coming back home tired is not actually an ideal situation to be in. I take what I can though. One step till the next one. And acknowledging that, sometimes, step one is as easy as taking a deep breath. Which is saying something, because breathing is hard some days. Lets take better care of ourselves. :) It will eventually be okay!

Sunday, May 14, 2023

It is I

Bismillah Hello 34 years of living. No, my birthday has been so long passed. I got overwhelmed by a lot of things in life right now. Which I have to admit, was by large, my own fault. I want to give myself a pat in the back for acknowledging my mistake. And also for accepting the fact that maybe, I have a slight neurodivergence. I wish to be able to focus more. So I could do things I need to do, before my time runs out. I hope to make discipline, a routine, a habitual, ingrained trait in myself. I for one, am accepting the fact that, I do not know things, in fact, there are a lot of which, I know nothing of. Please make it easy for me to bare this weakness of mine, O Allah. Please make me strong admidst the critiques which are to come. You are not alone. There are people who care. And you care for them. Do not be alone. Have faith. Have strenght. Make doa. Repetitively. Bend, but do not break. Cause, you can actually do this. Done is better than perfect. Just do it. Nora (context: thesis not done, self sabotaging and i probably need some medication. cause coffee and redbull is messing up my chronotropic response)

Wednesday, October 09, 2019

hidden merchandise

Annyeonghaseyo!

I found the rarest item (at least in my opinion) on a recent trip to Korea, New Journey To The West merchandise!

Was strolling along MBC (how can I not, Infinity Challenge was THE show for me, too bad it got cancelled). And decided to take the route next to A Twosome Place, when me and my sister had to do a double take, as we came to realise that the yellowish thing displayed over the store next to the coffee shop is Myo Han! Both the humanoid and dog. They had real life sized plush toys, priced at about 33000 won and bag charms ranging 7000 - 7500won each.

We got the bag charm though, (a lot cheaper, and our bags were filled with other things *read: cosmetics to help revive our aging skin) and they're just as adorable!!!!!

Not sure how long it'll be there but the shop also sells, besides njttw merchandise, the apron from Yoon's kitchen, some stickers and t-shirts. I wish I was rich to get them all but of course, live by our means we shall.

The store is exactly at the crosswalk between MBC Sangam-dong and CJENM building, next to the coffee store, A Twosome Place. The yellow is so distracting, it's hard to miss. Hope it helps.



Pic 1: view of the store from A Twosome Place cafe
Pic 2: my Myo Han bag charm

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Most of all, what I prayed for, in that desperate time of realisation is, so that I recognise the feelings, and that I come to acknowledge it, and that I could cry if I need to, that I'm able to seek the right help if needed, and most of all, to come to terms and peace with it. 

Please don't make me do bad things because of it.
Please let me always give the benefit of doubt. 

Please help me cleanse myself of all the hurtful things I have done.
Please help me be a better person than I was before. 

undry

Bismillah

My lacrimal duct has not dried up, I learnt that today.

It was the 14th episode of Hotel Del Luna, in which I find that when you have so much feelings in your heart, but no way to pour it out, it can be dangerously suffocating.

It's not that I'm desperate to be someone's someone. I have come to terms that it'll make no difference in the end when you'll die alone anyway.

It's just that, I'm scared of shutting away the loneliness I feel, making it so unrecognisable, to the point of it being a disease that latches on me, and taps away at things I find joy in, and later lead me to do things I'd regret. Things that turns me ugly. Things that blackens my heart.

Maybe asking "how are you".
Is better done in front of the mirror.

"I'm not well".

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

fear

Bismillah

I am not afraid.
I am not afraid.

A mantra to summon fear.

-----

I am currently in a state of not knowing. The busy life of an intern has made me lose all forms of attachment, resulting in this free floating, go-with-the-flow state I have effortlessly drowned myself in. It is contradictory though, the fact that I am following the crowd, yet I feel asphyxiated. Could it be, I have gone to a place where the air is just not right for me? Am I grazing on the wrong field, feeding my soul with essence not meant for its survival?

I can feel myself walking aimlessly, a result of waking up late on a regular basis, and failing to observe, where I put my foot, whose shoulder I may have accidentally brushed, the smiles of stranger, those gestures encouraging my near-death-look as I climbed the stairs of the multistorey parking, wishing home would come to me. And the thing I am worried about, is how my nonchalant attitude has made all those encounters meaningless. Have I failed at recognising the small gifts God has given me? Oh Lord, how I shudder to think of what has become of me. What is it that has damaged my heart so?

-----

There is evil, as much as there is good. And I cry at the scary thoughts I sometimes think of. And further hurt myself, when, of all things, my emotions associate joy with those scary thoughts, it is as if my scary world, has found a new definition of darkness. And I cry again, for this is too much to bear, and yet, I am afraid if I talked about it, you would run away.

Cause everybody else has done it.
Run away.

-----

I do not know how to end this yet. I need a solution. I need to believe again.

-----

I know I cannot rely on others on this, it is beyond anyone's control. I hope it would be made easy, finding peace in this hellhole.

I hope to be good.

I hope to be well.

I hope to not end up in hell.

Friday, November 24, 2017

ridikkulus!

Bismillah

The most ridiculous thing I got my brain involved in this month is Baby Shark Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo. Diluting it with other things. This is what happens when you are put in charge of the Paediatrics Surgery twice in a row.

On the good side, I have achieved 100% functioning ilioinguinal blocks! Woot woot! And my first caudal block too! Woot woot!

Back to studying now :)

Hope that I ace the coming Entrance Exam. Want to get out of this plateau earlier if I could.

You gotta work hard Nora!

but of course

Bismillah So, it has been done. A visit to the mental health practitioner. Starting therapy and new medications. Perhaps a flaw in the pl...